Cottage or Bust

Torontonians love the cottage like no one else. Let those Vancouverites camp out in their organic hemp tents and the New Yorkers slouch in their Hamptons mansions, we want the cottage and we don’t care if it’s five hours away or surrounded by an impenetrable wall of mosquitoes.

So here we present some tips for making your cottage experience the best it can be.

Bring a can opener. Even if the cottage has a can opener it’s probably a cheap Giant Tiger version that’s slightly rusted out and only useful for banging on the water heater with. Buy a really good quality can opener and keep it in your glove compartment, you’ll be amazed at how much it aids in your existence. Especially when the zombies have taken over and there are only canned goods available in your neck of the woods.

Paper towels. They aren’t great for the environment but sometimes they are necessary. If you’re worried about the planet carry a bundle of rags, and when they run out grab your stash of paper towels to clean up the beer you just spilled all over your Muskoka chair.

Ice. This is the most important thing to have in your kit. The kit that reads “Crazy for Cottages” and contains the aforementioned super duper can opener and 100% recycled paper towels. Going to the cottage means ice cold beer, lemonade and hot hot sun. You need ice.

Garbage bags. Leave it like you found it. That means no old issues of the National Enquirer or empty cans of gingembre, no burnt out sparklers or paper plates stained with rib sauce. Clean it all up and load it in the back of the Volvo big daddy.

Bug spray. It doesn’t matter what time of day or night or even what time of year – there will always be mosquitoes and they will always be hungry for your blood. That guy who says he doesn’t need bug spray because “bugs just don’t bother me” will be found dead in a ditch soon, covered in welts and completely drained of DNA. Ontario mosquitoes don’t just like you man, they love you.
Skin so Soft. Call your Avon lady and if you don’t have an Avon lady call your grandma and get in touch with hers. Only Avon sells Skin so Soft and only Skin so Soft can repel even the most ravenous of midnight mosquitoes.

Memory card. The first night at the cottage is the most fun night ever, until the next day when you look at all the pictures you took. Don’t just delete it, throw your memory card out. If you don’t your friends will steal your bundle of rags and your stash of Skin so Soft and put you out to pasture.

Have fun out there, keep it clean and only flush when absolutely necessary.

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